i don't like sucking hair
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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