shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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