Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
