Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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