thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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