My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
