I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you win again, gameday.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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