well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
