I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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