So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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