explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
