dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
