Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Bring me that man meat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
