How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
