We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
