Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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