two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im part way to drunk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
