I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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