Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
