I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
