i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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