so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
BRING THE BAGELS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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