Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
