Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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