Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
