So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I need to calm my uterus...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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