I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
