I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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