life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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