can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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