Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize