i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
