he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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