so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
