so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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