Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
