And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
