I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
