words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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