I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
