Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
