life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
