Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
