she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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