True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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