Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
