apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
