I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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