I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
