standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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