I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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