So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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