I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
