My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
